Small blip in the world of important things

Ian is traveling for work this week. These few occasions when he's gone reminds me how truly helpful he is when he's home. More than an extra hand in the kitchen or around the house, it's the realization of how much Malia needs both of us. He provides a different source of love for her. He functions on a different level of playfulness that I attempt to reenact, but usually fail epically. I try to read in his voice and end up sounding like I doped up Sesame Street character.

While we missed dad, today was a really smooth day. We played hard this morning. She helped me plant my planters and pots in the backyard. We read lots of books in her tent. She napped easily and well. This is a photo I snapped shortly after she woke up. She returned to her tent and stretched and slowly woke up (yes, she's still in her jammies at three p.m. When dad's away!). We went to the park with Auntie Julia. We ate take out for dinner.

Bedtime didn't seem to follow the day's easy manner, and boy did I wish her daddy was home to lend a hand. I'm not sure what went awry. I do know that she was mad and I was frustrated, which usually ends poorly for both of us. Eventually after some yogurt, some tears and then some snuggles, she wound down and fell asleep.

These nights when I find myself biting my lip in frustration I have to remind myself how fleeting these days are that she actually wants me to put her to bed. She still loves to snuggle her downy head into my chest and rock with her blanket wrapped just so around her arms.

A woman I follow on Instagram, a woman whose daughter is just six weeks older than Malia, and a woman who I adore without even knowing dropped a bomb on her feed last week. Her daughter was diagnosed with Leukemia. Upon learning the dreadful C word had entered her sweet baby's life, I couldn't get them off of my mind. I told Ian how sad and heartbroken I was for that little girl and her family. Learning that she has spent the last week in the hospital receiving chemo through a port in her side, as well as spinal injects made/makes me want to throw up.

These nights when I find myself frustrated that my baby won't easily fall asleep are such a small blip in the world of important things. I sit here now wishing I would have snuggled Malia a little longer and a little harder enjoying the smell of her just out of the bath hair. I sit here now sending my friend Kelly and her baby Ivy so much love and light that they both can persevere through this horrendous time. I sit here now thankful for my healthy child and pray that we have many, many more nights to snuggle and rock. xoH

Happy times

I just got back from a weekend at our cabin. Built by my grandparents in the seventies, this dear place has been a refuge for the entire family. Since my grandmother's death last year, it's become a bittersweet place for my grandfather. With it's sprawling landscaping (all lovingly constructed and cared for by that sweet man), it's grown to be too much for him to maintain.

My folks have taken "legal" ownership of the cabin, though it will remain to be shared and loved by the whole family. The past couple of weekends we've sifted through years of collected treasures, artworks created by little cousins now grown adults, discovered decades-old baby clothes dotted with moth holes all the while reliving years and years of memories. Watching Malia explore the same landscapes that I tootled around as I child has proved such a marker of time. 

Yesterday I literally chased my grandfather around the property as we tested each sprinkler line. He is loosing his eyesight yet his body and mind are as fit as mine. Our sprinkler tutorial reminded me how he holds so much institutional knowledge. 

With the changing of the cabin guards, I didn't want him to leave. I wanted to freeze time. I felt like a little kid again, shadowing him in the yard as he did his chores. 

It's remarkable having such a place, a time capsule of sorts. It makes my heart happy knowing that Malia will have similar, loved memories of her grandparents, her aunts and uncles, hopefully someday her own Hodges cousins. As bittersweet as this change has been, it's thrilling to start the new chapter. The cabin will continue to be loved and cherished by a new generation. I hope to be lucky enough to one day spend time at the cabin with my own grandchildren. 

Until then, I am more than content looking back on the years and years of happy times and the years and years of happy times to come. xoH

Mother's Day

This morning I'm coming off of vacation-high. We spent the weekend with Ian's family in Northern California where we frolicked (literally) on the beach, ate incredible food, and enjoyed some long-overdue time with extended family.Being that yesterday was Mother's Day (and Ian's birthday!), I felt extra loved and special as I travelled with my little family.

This year Mother's Day felt different than last. Last year I felt like I hadn't quite grown into my title of Mother. This year, though, I have settled in and feel more deserving of that grand title.

Having eighteen months under my belt (I know that still qualifies me as a newbie in this sorority of mamas), I am more comfortable with my role as Malia's mom. Not only that, I think I am just more comfortable with myself.

This entire process of growing a baby, delivering that baby and then nurturing said baby is a shock to one's systems. I don't resemble that girl eighteen months ago who had such a rosy and hopeful outlook of mothering. Looking back, I think I was a bit arrogant too. My daydreams of everything from Malia's birth to breastfeeding to sleep to my relationship with my husband turned out a lot different than how things actually played out.

That said, I've had a year and half to adjust. I think that's largely what this whole gig is about -- adjusting to the daily ebbs and flows of life.

I realized yesterday as Ian and I took turns chasing Malia around the airport, I feel pretty well adjusted in my role as a Mother. I've learned that I can't control everything, especially the choreography of my very spirited little girl. That's been my biggest lesson learned this year.

I couldn't help but glow as I watched her smile and say hello to strangers or squeal with glee and say "airplane!" as each new plane arrived at our gate. What made me happiest, though, was the feel of her petal-soft hand as she reached for mine as we walked.

There were a number of moms and babies on our flight yesterday. I felt a strong sense of sisterhood with those other women as we ushered our kiddos onto the plane. I watched those sweet little faces snuggle into their mama's necks, touch their faces, hold their hands. I feel pretty proud and blessed to be a member of this community, this sisterhood of mothers.

A late Happy Mother's Day to all of you wonderful, inspiring, loving mommas! I'm excited to see what lessons are in store for the coming year.

Hope you all had a great weekend. Cheers to a new week! xoH

Rambling Monday

What a strange Monday I'm having. My house is empty less the two dogs at my feet (we have my folk's sweet dog Belle with us right now), my client to-do list is complete, and I am sitting at my computer with time to write . . . for me.

Most days I find myself rushing through everything. Rushing to get the day started, coffee in my cup, food in Malia's tummy and off her face and fingers. Rushing to get projects X, Y, Z polished and sent off all while juggling multiple other tasks. Rushing to the store. Rushing Tuli through a walk so he can get his wiggles out. Rushing to make dinner. Rushing. Rushing. Rushing until I crash into my bed and do it all over again the next day.

I'm realizing that rushing is part of my genetics. My mom is a hustler, a doer, a rusher. She manages to spin 37 plates in the air with ease and grace. I, on the other hand, feel like my rushing leads to lunacy.

Case in point: I continue to leave my wallet in shopping carts. I quite literally have done this at least five times in the last six months. By the grace of God and the goodness of people, no one has taken said wallet.

Some days I think that propensity to rush is a great thing. It gets shit done. However, I think too often I am not present. Malia doesn't quite have my attention because I'm folding laundry, or I'm not fully participating in a phone conversation because I'm responding to an email.

It's weird and wonderful to have nothing I must rush off to do this morning. As a result, I'm sitting at my computer, present with my own thoughts, realizing what a crazy woman I tend to be most days.

I guess my point is, I need to slow down, take my kid to the park and quit leaving my wallet for strangers to steal my money and identity. Good luck with the money part.

I told you rambling musing would be part of this new site. Random, rambling musings make up most of my thoughts these days.

I hope you are enjoying your Monday however it looks for you. I'm going to pour another cup of coffee and channel Belle and Tuli's canning ability to laze.

Thanks for reading! Happy Monday xoH